Pain and Guilt of Your Past
What I have learned from professors and from myself as a social skills trainer are certain short comings that I have within myself. I am grateful for this because the awareness guides me to improve myself. I remember a Sociology professor telling us at the beginning of the course not to be quick to place the labels that we hear in class on ourselves; unfortunately, most of us did just that. It did make us research the topics more. As a writer, I write to give insight, to give people something to think about; I want them to ponder what is going on in their mental or spiritual state of being. In my 20 or more years as a trainer I realize that we all struggle with similar internal issues but at varying levels. Life is about overcoming these issues. Many of us deal with low self-esteem and neediness at some level. It is an on-going job to rise out of these states of being and it can only come through life experiences and being aware of the lessons. We are all here to learn lessons and there is beauty in all that we go through; even the ugly moments.
Low self-esteem rears its ugly head and can be brought about by mental or physical abuse, betrayal, abandonment in relationships that we trusted, being labeled as stupid or ugly by family or so-called friends, imposed or self-imposed false accusations of our character. When you are told by those who seem to be trustworthy often enough that you are inadequate you begin to believe it unless you are strong in your understanding of who you are. People who have been abused often tend to sway toward neediness. They crave approval, attention, stroking often enough that they will hunt a person down to get it because they don’t know how to give it to themselves. You may know someone who is needy. Beverly D. Flaxington, professor at Suffolk University, states in her article some examples:
· Why is he/she calling for the millionth time today?
· He/she wants to meet tonight for a chat... I bet this one is not going to be any shorter than the other two we already had this week.
· This person has been taking up all of my free time recently, I don’t even see other people or have time for myself anymore!
Now, sometimes friends or lovers connect like this but even lovers take a break from these types of communications.
Here are some signs of low self-esteem:
ü Withdrawing from socializing
ü Anxiety
ü Focusing on negative in thought, word and action
ü Neglecting appearance
ü Inability to receive compliments
ü Focusing more on what people think about you
ü Not trusting in yourself
ü Basing your value on someone else
Have you heard the term “co-dependent”? Stated on WebMD, "Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy," says Scott Wetzler, PhD, psychology division chief at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "One or both parties depend on their loved ones for fulfillment." (Are You in a Codependent Relationship? By Feifei Sun) This also relates to self-esteem issues.
I don’t purport to have all the answers but here are some ways to journey toward a stronger self-esteem or lessening co-dependency:
Ø Take a deep breath and rely on you, take care of you.
Ø Find that activity that makes you feel better about you; bowling, exercising, movies, gardening, etc.
Ø Begin speaking positive statements to yourself until it becomes a habit.
Ø Learn to accept and love yourself unconditionally…just as you are. No one is perfect but there is beauty in all of us.
Ø Seek your happiness from within and not from without. When people cease to make you happy, you may find yourself facing anxiety. Make you happy.
This is just the beginning. Some of us are in need of deeper assistance and if you are aware of it, get the help that you need. We could all use a helping hand in releasing the pain and guilt of the past.
